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Earlier this month we explored a gift you can give to yourself this season… personal growth. I have always been one who was more comfortable with giving than receiving. At Christmas when we opened up presents, I would get great joy seeing people open the gifts I gave them and then I would be the last one sitting with presents around me unopened. There is nothing wrong with this AND part of my growth has been to learn to receive.

In the December 1st blog, I talked about how one of the stones in my wall was self-reliance. This helped to insulate me from being disappointed. If I don’t expect anything from you, you can’t hurt me. But, if I don’t give you the opportunity to give to me, I will never have the experience of that connection. If I don’t let you help me, then I can never know what it means to be surrounded by a loving community.

I want you to sit and visualize your wall…

Survivors have learned how to protect themselves. Some of those ways may serve them well but other ways may not. I think about the very powerful wall I constructed to protect myself. For me the wall was built with stones called: self-reliance, competency, perfection, distrust, and distance. These “worked for me” in the sense that I was able to be “successful” and appear highly functioning. No one would guess the pain, fear, uncertainty, isolation and loneliness that existed behind that wall.

Being vulnerable means beginning to first look and see the wall you have built up and then to dismantle it. You may wonder: “Why did you tear down something that was so sturdy and had seemingly worked for you for so long?” The answer is: because it kept out the things that mattered the most to me. It kept out the life-giving things that we humans are created to enjoy: things like connection, kindness, understanding, love and peace.

Are you ready to take some steps to embrace vulnerability? Read the 4 quotes about vulnerability and pick the one that speaks to you.

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness.”
― Brené Brown

Vulnerability is a concept that has been popularized by Brené Brown in her book, Daring Greatly. This book came into my life at a time when I was growing exponentially and challenging much of what I knew and even who I was. In last month’s blog, we explored healing our minds, bodies and spirits which can feel vulnerable because we are moving outside our comfort zones. Many survivors of sexual assault have learned to separate themselves mentally from their bodies as a way of self-protection. To inhabit and own all of ourselves can feel very uncomfortable and unfamiliar, and that is okay.

“Neural pathways” can be deeply ingrained in our brain like a stream winding through the landscape for years wearing a ravine in the earth. Like that stream, the course of its path can be altered, but it requires intentional intervention. If we find there is healing that needs to be done and streams needing to be altered, it is helpful to have ideas about where to start.

To begin exploring ways to heal yourself- mind, body and spirit – let’s start by offering some definitions around each.

In September we talked about comfort zones and growth. To be able to move from surviving to thriving, we have to be open to stretching ourselves, growing in new ways, and healing ourselves. Did you know that the word “heal” comes from the word “whole” which is why it is important to consider your whole self. For me, looking at healing my mind, body, and spirit has been critical. Many times, we try to suppress unpleasant things in our minds. My therapist says, “Your mind may forget, but your body always remembers.” This is so true. This suppressing not only affects our bodies but also our spirits. Suppressing emotional and mental pain leads to depression and anxiety which, in turn, can lead to other issues such as increased medical problems as well as substance abuse. To move through healthy change, we must embrace all of who we are and take slow but steady healing steps.

Love is often a phenomenon where people focus on external expressions.  Commercially this time of year we see ads for Valentine’s Day tokens for our romantic partners and close friends.  However, when was the last time you felt lovingly towards yourself?

                In December we discussed the importance of self-care.  This is essential to our physical, spiritual and mental wellbeing as well as a loving act we give ourselves.  But consider on any given day how you speak about yourself either to others or most importantly towards yourself.  Chances are you are far nicer to others in your life than you are to yourself.  This month we will work on correcting this pattern and reintroduce it to your true best friend.

                As sexual abuse survivors, we can be hyper-critical of ourselves for a number of reasons.  Abusers may have programmed us with an inner dialogue of nasty words to keep us from understanding our own power or potential.  It can also be due to a feeling that we brought this trauma onto ourselves through our thoughts, behaviors or actions.  If you were abused by multiple people or suffered multiple significant traumas in your life, especially during childhood, you may have the limiting belief that you were the common denominator in all the painful events and thus unworthy of self-love or redemption.  Read on to discover a few exercises you can explore to help you rewrite your inner dialogue.