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Love is often a phenomenon where people focus on external expressions.  Commercially this time of year we see ads for Valentine’s Day tokens for our romantic partners and close friends.  However, when was the last time you felt lovingly towards yourself?

                In December we discussed the importance of self-care.  This is essential to our physical, spiritual and mental wellbeing as well as a loving act we give ourselves.  But consider on any given day how you speak about yourself either to others or most importantly towards yourself.  Chances are you are far nicer to others in your life than you are to yourself.  This month we will work on correcting this pattern and reintroduce it to your true best friend.

                As sexual abuse survivors, we can be hyper-critical of ourselves for a number of reasons.  Abusers may have programmed us with an inner dialogue of nasty words to keep us from understanding our own power or potential.  It can also be due to a feeling that we brought this trauma onto ourselves through our thoughts, behaviors or actions.  If you were abused by multiple people or suffered multiple significant traumas in your life, especially during childhood, you may have the limiting belief that you were the common denominator in all the painful events and thus unworthy of self-love or redemption.  Read on to discover a few exercises you can explore to help you rewrite your inner dialogue.

Does the thought of the approaching holidays and winter weather fill you with anxiety? You aren’t alone. If you look closer, you can see December also teaches us the value of self-care. Winter weather gives us a firm nudge to slow down and reconnect with simple gifts in life. 

Survivors of sexual abuse often struggle with balancing the needs of others without neglecting our own. When we were Victims, we might not have felt worthy to care for ourselves or to speak our truths. As Survivors, we reclaimed our voice, but still may have used serving others as a way to distract ourselves from the heaviness of emotions produced by our healing. Now, as Thrivers, we must better advocate for ourselves so we can maintain optimal health (physically, mentally and even spiritually). Self-care is not selfish it’s about self-respect and nonjudgmentally accepting our needs. It allows us to pause, recharge and reset, so we have the energy to be present and loving for both ourselves and others.  

The power of self-care is in the endless ways we reconnect with ourselves and promote overall internal wellness. It may be as quick as a mindful breath or stretch into a time allocated to an activity. It can be done solo or more structured with friends, like a walk. Have fun and experiment with what works best for you.

The “Most Wonderful Time of the Year” is also the most frantic! During the holiday season, it seems like at least once a week we are racing to an event. Let’s not get started talking about the rush to buy presents! But during this season of giving, what are we giving ourselves besides added stress? 

It’s easy for survivors to undervalue the need for self-care. We often distract ourselves from the pain of our trauma by finding satisfaction in helping others. But what are we doing for ourselves? There is a reason that airlines tell us to put the oxygen mask on ourselves before we help anyone else out. 

Survivors of sexual abuse have additional pressures that can make taking care of others more complicated. We have worked to better understand how to use our voice. We have processed our reactions when we feel others have either not heard, or chosen to ignore our words. We might even view, at times, our compulsion to look after others as a way to distract ourselves from difficult thoughts, feelings or even tasks. When we shine the light outward, it prevents us from seeing any darkness within. By not looking at our own needs we are neglecting an essential part of our healing and both spiritual and mental growth. 

Family, no one loves us nor can anyone hurt us like they can.  November is a month that is filled with a focus on family and family gatherings.  The beginning of the month has us confront emotions that we might be carrying regarding loved one who have passed on, whereas the end of the month has Americans gathered around the Thanksgiving table.  These events can give rise to a number of unresolved issues for people with sexual abuse.  Our hope is that some of these month’s activities can either provide you ways to resolve linger hurts and toxic patterns that inhibit your ability to thrive. 

Welcome to November!  A chill is in the air and we begin to turn our focus inward.  Colder weather has us indoors and confronting our feelings more.  It puts us in closer proximity to our families, often a trigger for survivors of sexual abuse.  Issues can be intense and wide ranging as family members (both alive and dead) may have been a perpetrator, an enabler, a doubter or a challenger to one’s sense of self.