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Stepping Out of Your Comfort Zone
At the beginning of the month we talked about how survivors of sexual abuse often create a comfort zone for themselves. Two different images were offered - that of wrapping yourself up with insulation like a blanket or forming a protective wall. It may also be a comfy nest that you don’t really want to leave, even when it’s time.
Let’s explore what a comfort zone might look like for you.
Comfort Zone and Growth
As sexual abuse survivors, we have had to create safety for ourselves. We experienced the unthinkable and now feeling vulnerable and/or out of control can be frightening and uncomfortable. For me, there were a number of layers I wrapped myself up to feel safe and secure.
The Salve of Silence
Expectations, although often helpful, can have a shadow side that can produce unnecessary stress and pain. At the point of creation, an expectation can serve to facilitate our self-growth. Yet, with time an expectation can become unreasonable, and therefore unattainable, causing profound disappointment and difficulty in one’s life. People with a history of trauma like sexual abuse, are especially vulnerable to these swings in perception. We can ruminate over unmet expectations, amplifying our limiting beliefs and lingering pains. Enduring trauma can cause a person to become obsessed with maintaining control in their life. When control eludes us, we can face a debilitating crash that negatively impacts our self-worth.
To better understand the root of our expectations and whether they still may benefit our growth, we must be able to listen to them. To listen to them we must cut through the clutter of noise that surrounds us both internally and externally. This means creating periods of silence and silent reflection into our self-care routines. Explore the following three exercises to better understand how silence is or could be helpful in your journey towards Thriver mindset.
Accepting the Unexpected
Expectations, we all have them. But how healthy are they really to our wellbeing? We aspire to a life filled with health, joy, and success. We can place lofty goals to spur our self-growth, but what happens to us when we fall short of these big dreams? What was meant to challenge us, can actually cause greater difficulty and disappointment. This can be especially true of survivors of trauma like sexual abuse, who yearn to break free of our limiting beliefs and our lingering pains.
As we enter June, we are entering into a month typically filled with graduations, weddings, and social gatherings. However, in 2020, we are remaining in the era of Covid-19. This pandemic has held a mirror up to expectations and the pain we all face when situations beyond our control prevent us from obtaining this envisioned scenario.
The hard work of the class of 2020 and important transitional milestones aren’t able to be celebrated together. Weddings must be held either virtually or postponed indefinitely. Loved ones remain physically separated and gatherings must stop for the sake of our health.
But this devastating virus is merely a communal amplification of collective grieving unmet expectations. In reality, we all must tackle the ramifications of unexpected situations every day. From illness, job loss, relationship hurdles, accidents, delays or cancellations, to even death – every day we must find ways to make the best out of our situations. When we are unable to navigate this process successfully, anxiety builds and our feeling of self-worth can plummet.
Tackling the Shame Game
Shame is like a squatter in your mind. It enters unexpectedly and requires tremendous effort to evict it from the premises. Shame creeps up when you experience pain and feel life has not lived up to your expectations. It quickly established a presence in your psyche and creates a vicious cycle of limiting and toxic thinking.
There are steps you can take to rewrite the shame script. First, understand what the shame is trying to tell you. Although the noise has become distortive, shame is a signal that you have unresolved issues that require more attention for you to more fully heal and engaged with your life. As sexual abuse survivors, we might carry the unnecessary burden of shame for thoughts, behaviors, and actions that don’t belong to us. These thoughts are a transference of pain from being subjected to intense and personal manipulative violations. The good news is that you have the powerful ability to rewrite your story into something filled with more self-compassion and fulfillment. To help expel the shame from your psyche, try one or more the following exercises.
