Support Survivors – See Something, Say Something!
If abuse has not happened to you, it has happened to someone you love. Survivors need your support. Here are some thoughts around what that can look like.
Don’t we all want to be seen? Understood? Survivors often feel alone in their journey.
- First, they are told no one will believe them, or they are gaslighted and question themselves.
- Even though the abuse is not their fault, they feel shame that it even happened.
- Often, survivors can’t even articulate what they are thinking or feeling because everything is so overwhelming.
Lack of understanding of what the survivor might want or need prevents proper exploration of the issue.
Survivors need support now more than ever, with so many stressors going on in the world. Why is this? Many survivors suffer from PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
PTSD develops from experiencing a traumatic event, such as sexual assault, domestic violence, or child abuse, and it can be compounded by other traumas (natural disaster, warfare, political unrest, or other threats to a person’s life or well-being).
The Mayo Clinic provides helpful clues as to whether your loved one is experiencing PTSD.
Intrusive memories – Symptoms may include:
- Unwanted, distressing memories of a traumatic event that come back over and over again.
- Reliving a traumatic event as if it were happening again, also known as flashbacks.
- Upsetting dreams or nightmares about a traumatic event.
- Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of a traumatic event.
Avoidance – Symptoms may include:
- Trying not to think or talk about a traumatic event.
- Staying away from places, activities, or people that remind them of a traumatic event.
Negative changes in thinking and mood – Symptoms may include:
- Negative thoughts about themself, other people, or the world.
- Ongoing negative emotions of fear, blame, guilt, anger, or shame.
- Feeling detached from family and friends.
- Not being interested in activities once enjoyed.
Changes in physical and emotional reactions – Symptoms may include:
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- Being easily startled or frightened; Always being on guard for danger.
- Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much or driving too fast.
- Trouble sleeping or concentrating.
- Irritability, angry outbursts, or aggressive behavior.
Survivors need Supporters. Many times, supporters fall into four types.
- Survivors, as you read this, you may identify individuals in your life and better understand what they are capable of handling, and how to maintain healthy engagement.
- Supporters, consider the description to see which type applies to you and/or what type you wish to be.
- Our next blog will go more in-depth about tips to improve communication and interactions with each group.
Ostrich
These are the people who would rather not know or see what is going on around them. It may be that they are so focused on their lives that they are unable to see the lives and struggles of others. Another possibility could be that they have a similar issue and they have not been able to recognize it much less resolve it. To acknowledge the pain of another means they must be still and present to them. This alone could be uncomfortable to someone who has created a life of self-protection to avoid seeing a painful reality.
Compassion must be given to the ostriches. They really don’t mean to have their heads in the sand, but this has been a helpful defense mechanism for them. They may not be willing to open up to see a bigger reality.
Bystander
A bystander is someone who sees a person who is in need but is either unable or unwilling to help. This can produce a difficult interaction for a trauma survivor. As a person facing hardship, a survivor might yearn for comfort or even action that the person cannot deliver.
This bystander essentially does not have the bandwidth to process what they are experiencing. Therefore, they either react with a flee or freeze mindset. By fleeing, they find it safer for their own psyche to leave the situation, trusting that a more suited person will assist soon. In the freeze reaction, a person sincerely wants to help, but their brain cannot process the situation, and so they attempt to extend support through passive methods.
Bystanders need sincere grace. They may be able to potentially better understand your concerns and needs if explained, but know that aid may be minimal.
Driver / Passenger dynamic
Being a passenger in your life can be demoralizing for a person healing from sexual abuse and other traumas. Assistance or advice may be sought, but instead of finding compassion, understanding, and support, drivers force opinions or solutions. This can be retriggering and set back a survivor on their journey to reclaim their narrative. Although well-meaning, drivers seeking to steer the car can lead to unintended consequences like a strain on the relationship, resentment, and unnecessary stress.
Drivers need perspective. Perhaps they are acting out of anxiety, overwhelmed by the situation, discomfort with the truth, and believe that their “solution” can get the survivor out of turmoil faster. It may be that they can only see the problem from their perspective, or risk having their foundation rocked.
Ally
Allies are more attuned to the complexities of the situation and are willing to be active listeners to help solve a problem. Close friends and empathic family members are often the most common forms of allies in a survivor’s life. These are the people available when times get tough and help the survivor breathe, creating a moment of peace. Allies help see a situation more objectively to create a pathway forward that has purpose and meaning.
Allies need a two-sided relationship. An ally can listen and help guide a survivor through turbulent waters, but there is a need not to overtax them or create “compassion fatigue”. Ensure both people’s needs and limitations are understood. Ally relationships need space for fun and joy to avoid dimming either of your spirits.
Activist
Activists put personal investment into a situation; they not only take notice of a situation but also act as a frontline supporter of a cause. They explore all facets of the issue and take an objective lens to be an effective partner in creating a meaningful solution to the problem. They won’t rest until the survivor is further along the journey towards wholeness and healing.
In movements like #metoo and #timesup, activists are sharing their stories in a vulnerable manner to advance the broader cause of sexual abuse and domestic violence awareness and end the lingering effects of this violation. In cases like this or #blacklivesmatters, people can use their privilege or standing in society to advance the cause in a way that more marginalized groups might face hurdles.
Bystanders, Drivers, Allies, and Activists all play central roles in the archetypes that make up the survivor’s support system.
However, we must be honest with our expectations of what part people play in helping during the most trying of times. Some individuals are only capable of passive assistance, while others are more willing to take an active part in facilitating healing. What is important is, if someone is in trouble, a person doesn’t walk away without ensuring that help is on its way.
During this chaotic year of 2025, we must answer the call to react to the pain and trauma around us with love, light, and empathic listening. We must empower people when they see someone struggling to say something and to provide the best support possible.
Whether you are a survivor or supporter, I would love to hear if this post is helpful and what you liked specifically. At Survivors to Thrivers, we are here to support and encourage you!
Here’s to Thriving, Tambry
Talk To Tambry
I am glad you have taken the time to engage with this blog. Sometimes it is helpful to process new insights that emerge. If you would appreciate brief time with a someone who understands, our Talk to Tambry offering is for you. For 30 minutes, you can receive support from Tambry who is a certified life coach, spiritual director and a survivor who has been on the journey as well. This is offered at a reduced rate of $50.
