Sharing the Secret that Haunts and Impacts You
Have you felt the heaviness of a deep secret that haunts you? Do you wonder if you could put a voice to it and share it with someone?
This month’s Thriver blog comes from Steve Peacock who is claiming his voice and sharing it to benefit both survivors and supporters. We thank Steve for his courage and his heart.
I wouldn’t be at this pivotal moment now if my childhood self did not survive.
I not only forgive my childhood me now, I also celebrate him.
He is a survivor, I am a survivor.
Growing in Awareness
Over the past several decades, I held myself responsible for participating in the abuse I endured, for not being strong enough to stop it, and for not saying anything to anyone. Then there were several more decades of public silence as well as my own sexually inappropriate behavior.
We need to, and will, change the narrative to transfer the shame and the blame from survivors to where it rightly belongs – to those who abused us.
What if we started celebrating, rather than hiding our mental health journeys? That is the only way we can destigmatize one of the most important tools available to help with our recovery and healing.
Every single one of us has a role to play, particularly bystanders, who are critical in allowing the current set of rules to persist. They can effect change.
How You Can Be a Supporter
First and foremost, Believe Her, Believe Him, and Believe Them.
- Accept the facts about the prevalence of sexual violence, particularly against women, children, and marginalized communities. Reject the systems, customs, and patterns that perpetuate it.
Call for an end to the silence in which abuse and its devasting wake thrive.
- Create an environment where the shame is passed from the abused to the abusers. This means victim blaming, shaming, targeting, grooming, and grotesque sexual objectification no longer have oxygen to breathe.
Work unequivocally to end ambiguity and implement zero tolerance for rape culture. This includes codifying consent into our minds, behaviors, and laws.
- Actively call upon others to see the truth about power dynamics and accurately name sexual abuse as the violent act that it is.
Become vocal and visible advocates for changing the norms, laws, and culture siding not with the aggressors but with the aggrieved.
- Know and share the staggering facts. Some are listed here.
By the Numbers:
52 – the average age of childhood sexual abuse disclosure
1 in 4 – girls are sexually assaulted
1 in 13 – boys are sexually assaulted
81% – of students are sexually harassed by completion of education
91% – sexual abuse by a perpetrator known to the child/family
The Opportunity: High School Homecoming
As I sat in my high school gym for the first time in over thirty years, my hands began to sweat, my body tensed up, and my stomach initiated evacuation signals. My mind begged for time to advance to warp speed. This time was also different for another reason, I wasn’t there to listen to a speaker, I was the speaker.
I stood alone on the podium and looked briefly out at the audience of over 500 male students, their faculty, and administrators from a number of neighboring schools. I tried to collect myself before jumping into my remarks. I had envisioned this moment for the past few months. As with most big events, my fantasies ranged from fearful to joyful. Would they listen, would they care, would they validate, would they celebrate?
I wasn’t sure where to start, or what tone to use. Thankfully, I did know exactly what to say as I had carefully written a script and practiced scores of times in front of various audiences of friends and family. This was too important to just follow my usual path of having broad concepts in my mind, carelessly uttered, coalescing somehow over the course of the monologue to a reasonably satisfactory landing.
For a millisecond, my life passed before my eyes. How did I get from grade school to high school to college to a three-decade career in finance, to my own family, to becoming an empty-nester, to this very moment? I slowly picked up my papers, checked the presentation screen for the correct images, and began.
The Message: My Painful Secret
Thank you for the warm welcome. Thank you to McQuaid for allowing me to do something I could not do nearly 40 years ago. I entered McQuaid a bit scared and nervous but generally excited. Feelings that I have today, right now. You see, a number of my brothers had attended McQuaid so it was very familiar, already a big part of my experience. However, I held a secret. A secret that I had told no other living soul. A secret that I would keep to myself for over a decade. One that would haunt and impact me to the present day.
And here it is – I was sexually abused – just a short few years before walking onto the Freshman Football field in August of 1984. A field where I came to life, this building, where I excelled academically, and a campus that gave me even more brothers than I already had.
Over those decades, I held myself responsible for participating in the abuse that I endured, for not being strong enough to stop it, and for not saying anything to anyone. There were several more decades of public silence as well as my own sexually inappropriate behavior.
Finding Voice
A few months ago, I shared my story with my extended family, and shortly thereafter I shared it with Congressional representatives. Two weeks ago, I shared it with over 400 colleagues at work on World Mental Health Day. Today, I will share it with all of you.
I could not have done that if my childhood self did not survive. He survived, so now I can do what he never felt comfortable doing. He did the hard part – he did what he needed to do to survive. I not only forgive him now, but I also celebrate him. He is a survivor, I am a survivor, and here is my story.
It took me a long time to recognize that I was a survivor.
- That what was done to me was not my fault, that I bore no responsibility at all.
- That I did what I needed to do to get through, and past it, something that nobody should ever have to endure, yet so many of us do.
My most recent therapist opened my eyes to the reality that I built a suit of armor. This was built of humor and emotional distance to protect myself from a world that was not as it should be. I sought to hide myself and my feelings from even those closest to me just to survive.
My eventual disclosure a decade after the final humiliating abuse did little to ease the pain or regrow the parts that had deadened. Instead, the responses that I interpreted as apathy or ignorance, left me lonely, isolated, and misunderstood. Those feelings only intensified over time as the thing that haunted me every day fell off everyone else’s radar, save that of my wife, my sister, and a few high school friends. This led decades later to a fateful family event where my childhood was recreated and celebrated, and my withdrawal accelerated.
A few years later, I read the following four words that changed the trajectory of my life forever – “Sexual Assault Survivor Advocate” – the LinkedIn header on the bio of the father of a courageous sexual assault survivor. This opened a door to another dimension for me, where I could begin to imagine a new life, an authentic life, a full life.
The Key Points: For Today and the Next Generation
One, for anyone else suffering in silence, know that you are not alone, it was not your fault and you didn’t do anything wrong. Know that there are people out there who care about you and will support you. We need to, and will, change the narrative to transfer the shame and the blame from survivors to where it rightly belongs. We will shift it to those who abused us.
Two, let’s start celebrating, rather than hiding our mental health journeys. This is the only way we can destigmatize one of the most important tools available to help with our recovery and healing.
Three, know that everyone has a role to play. Bystanders must pick a side, standing up to those who seek to dehumanize other people through sexual, physical, and verbal abuse. Bystanders can create safe and supportive spaces for classmates and community members who have been abused. And for those tempted to use other people’s bodies for their own pleasure or personal gain, know there is a far different path from creating emptiness and constant fear of exposure. Actively think of the devasting lifelong impact that your actions have on another human being. And ask yourself – is it worth it?
I truly believe, and have faith, that all of us working together vigilantly in all of our spaces – work, school, and community. We can forge a path to healthier lives. We can be free from our invisible trauma and we can make progress towards stopping the vicious cycle of violence so woven into the fabric of our culture.
Thank you all for reading. And good luck knowing you are not alone wherever your journey goes from here.
In solidarity, Steve
We thank Steve for sharing his heart and his story to encourage fellow survivors. When Steve and I first met, he signed his email to me with, “In solidarity.” I absolutely loved it because we are indeed stronger together, stronger in solidarity! Here’s to Thriving, Tambry
Steve claimed four words that changed the trajectory of his life forever – “Sexual Assault Survivor Advocate”. This opened a door to another dimension, one where he could begin to imagine a new life, an authentic life, a full life. This is the LinkedIn tagline of Alex Prout, co-founder of the I Have The Right To organization, and father of Chessy Prout, a courageous survivor of sexual assault in high school. Steve courageously shares his story to encourage others to share the secret that haunts them so they are no longer haunted by it. He also shares at HR Professional Conferences and talks about how our stories can help break the cycle of silence and point survivors to healing and taking care of their mental health.
At Survivors to Thrivers, we seek to first let you know you are not alone. We are all trying to navigate and become our best thriving selves.
Second, I would love to hear which ideas were particularly helpful for you. If you have additional ideas, please let me know and I will include them in future posts.
Holding you in light and love,
Here’s to Thriving! Tambry
Talk To Tambry
I am glad you have taken the time to engage with this blog. Sometimes it is helpful to process new insights that emerge. If you would appreciate brief time with a someone who understands, our Talk to Tambry offering is for you. For 30 minutes, you can receive support from Tambry who is a certified life coach, spiritual director and a survivor who has been on the journey as well. This is offered at a reduced rate of $50.
