Ostrich

“If I can’t see it, it’s not my problem.”

An ostrich is a person who may prefer not to see, let alone understand, what is going on around them.

• This may be due to such an intense focus on their personal life, they are unable to see the struggles and needs of others.
• Tunnel vision may be due to an unwillingness or inability to address their pain or shortcomings. This impacts the capacity to acknowledge the hardships of anyone else.
• By creating a life of self-protection, they have created a cocoon of safety and a myopic focus that helps navigate their daily life.

Exercise to find peace with Ostriches.

This exercise will help you make peace with the ostrich’s inability to sit with you during your times of need. It will cultivate a sense of empathy for them, being haunted by their limiting beliefs.

Take your journal, or a piece of paper, and find a quiet space to read the following quotes and reflect on what they stir within you.

“Most ignorance is (culpable or obligatory) ignorance. We don’t know because we don’t want to know.” Aldous Huxley

“Ignorance is always afraid of change.” Jawaharlal Nehru

Think about the Ostriches in your life.  Consider why they are unable to respond to your need for support.  Consider the following:

• What might they be seeking to avoid in addressing this hardship?
• What might they be afraid to see if they tried to sit with you in your times of strife?
• How else does their need for self-protection affect your dynamic?

Take a breath and consider the importance of these relationships in your life.  If an ostrich is someone you can minimize contact with, you might want to choose to end this relationship.  However, if an ostrich is a central figure in your life, discover ways to set more effective boundaries within yourself.

• Is there any opening you can use to help gently expand their field of vision?
• What is the most important aspect of your difficult moments that you would like to share with an ostrich?

Review your journal, and consider what boundaries you want to set to help improve your relationship and maximize your well-being.

Bystander

The person who either walks away from turmoil or feels at a loss for how to help.

A bystander can cause immense sadness and frustration for a survivor during a moment of need.

• Although you crave a more direct response, this individual doesn’t have the ability to provide concrete assistance.
• Instead of feeling rejected, seek to bridge the disconnect by understanding what areas of support they are most prepared to help you with.
• Seek to cultivate grace to ensure you don’t delay your path towards wholeness.

Exercise to find your voice and communicate your needs to Bystanders.

This exercise needs to be done far away from people. Take yourself to the most private space possible.

• When you feel comfortable that no one is around, let out a huge yell.
• It might seem weird, but chances are you have been holding a lot in recently.
• After you feel ready to stop your primal scream, take a breath and shake out your body.
• Let the tension ease up in your body.
• Notice which areas feel looser and which areas might need more release.

Next, think about and visualize the bystanders in your life.

• Allow yourself to freely vent out loud the concerns you have about your dynamic.
• Let your subconscious flow out of you and identify areas you both need to work on.
• From these streams of insight, write down some of the key points and clear steps your bystander can take to meet your needs.
• Understand that a bystander is often only capable of assisting in small ways, at least at first.
• Therefore, be clear on what needs are most important to you and vocalize simple comforts your bystander can provide.
• By giving them an “easy win,” a bystander can feel less intimidated by your difficulties. They become confident that their assistance is beneficial for you.

Driver / Passenger dynamic

The individual(s) who take your request for assistance to a place where they attempt to solve your hardship for you on their terms, instead of creating a path forward with you.

Finding yourself in the role of passenger in navigating a hardship can trigger a sense of being victimized all over again.

• Remember, the person you ask to help you process your situation never intended to cause you this distress.
• Frequently, anxiety about seeing a person they care about in pain causes them to act out of impulse to create a solution that aligns with their perspective.
• By practicing the exercise below, you can find a sense of peace and objectivity and help prevent unnecessary strain on the relationship.

Exercise to help you feel in control when with drivers.

Visualize shifting gears of perspective and driving your car by controlling the controllables. Find a space to be alone with your thoughts and journal.

• Allow yourself to picture yourself and one of your more challenging supporters going on a trip. Begin by seeing how you both negotiate handling the trip logistics.
  • Who will pay for the gas?
  • How will you split taking breaks along the way?
  • Who will be the first to drive, and at what point will you both swap seats?
• How do you feel during these initial negotiations?
• Do you feel valued and heard, or strong-armed into a role?
• As you embark on the journey, are these compromises being honored by your supporter, or does anything change suddenly?
• Continue breathing and maintain an objective lens.

When your supporter is driving the vehicle, what does your role become?

• Just because you happen to be a passenger right now, does not mean you have to be passive.
• When driving a car or boat, a pilot has to rely on others for assistance with navigation or potential hazards.
• In your visualization, what role do you play as a passenger?
• Is your supporter respectful of your insights, or is there a way you can become more involved with your journey together?

Use this opportunity to highlight the ways you can create more action during your trip.

• This is indicative of the theme “control the controllables”.
• While you are in this passenger seat, look around and identify all the aspects you can control.
• You might notice that you have a greater ability to improve this situation than you believe.
• How often do you provide feedback to this “driver” about their insights on your life? Remember, you don’t have to take their every suggestion.  This is your life, and you have the free will to tell them when it’s time for you to drive the vehicle!

This driver might not be taking the route you intended, but try to see things from their viewpoint.

• Just like on a trip, things don’t always go according to plan, and multiple people mean multiple motivations.
• What might the motivations and concerns of your supporter be?
• This person might be acting as a driver in your life because they are seeking not to control you, but to control the disruption in your life.
• By acting as a driver, they might feel that they are helping you be less overwhelmed and able to rest a bit.
• During these moments as a passenger, consider bringing up these concerns in conversations.
• Listen to the insight your supporter shares with you and honor any images that might arise for you.

End your exercise by noting all the impressions, images, and messages you gained during the visualization.

• Write down the areas you can control even when you don’t feel like you are in the driver’s seat.
• Remember that when you can control the controllables, you can gain the strength to play a more active role in this dynamic.
• Finally, write down your gratitude for the effort and perspectives of your driver. It is important to reinforce the ways they give you helpful support so your relationship can flourish and avoid any sense of resentment.

Ally

This person offers support in a more active way that examines the many facets of an issue and serves as an empathetic ear to facilitate improvement.

Ally is a prominent word today.

• It conjures up close friends and family whom you can call in a trying time.
• You trust this person will create time to listen and provide a sense of peace and safe haven to formulate a game plan to solve your most pressing issues.

The following exercise will help sustain healthy relationships with the allies in your life.

Create a relationship bank to avoid Ally Compassion Fatigue.

• A relationship is like a bank.
• This dynamic acts as a system of emotional debits and credits.
• In order for you both to be healthy, you need to avoid overdrawing and going into emotional debt, and ensure you both enjoy a relatively equal exchange of give and take.

Find an object that you can use as a bank.

• Feel free to select something you can decorate to allow for a more personal touch.
• The next time you speak with your ally, have your bank nearby.
• Be mindful of your conversation and dynamics.
• Whenever you find yourself asking for advice or direct intervention, put in a penny or a nickel.
• Yet, whenever you find yourself asking about their interests, concerns, or life, put in a quarter or a dollar.
• Repeat this process with your future interactions.

Set aside a period of time to allow the money to accrue, and then review what you have in the bank.

• Notice how many smaller coins you have in the banks, versus larger amounts.
• What is this telling you about your ability to facilitate a balanced dynamic?
• If you see more smaller coins, can you identify ways to increase engagement in their life?

Finally, use the funds from this period to pay for a fun and joyful experience with your ally to lift up both of your spirits.

Activist

When times are at their most pressing, an activist is a person you can depend on to assist you in creating the necessary change to benefit your life as well as help the greater good.

To be an activist, a person must put personal investment into solving a problem. 

• They are a person who sees that someone is amiss and works tirelessly to improve the situation for the long term.
• This member of your support system can be counted on to check in on you long after the “crisis” has passed.
• They ensure you are living life to the fullest and have all the tools necessary for you to live a life of abundance.

The following exercise is to help better engage the activists in your life, or to awaken the activist within you.

First, envision who your activists are.

• These are the people who understand and are ready to take action to support you.
• Think about new behaviors you are seeking to claim, but you need active support as you make brave but uncertain steps.
• Identify mind monsters or limiting beliefs that need to be actively seen and dismantled, and engage your activist!
• Ask that person to support you in specific ways as you break unhealthy patterns and rewrite your story.

As you move into thriving, embrace Activism by awakening and strengthening your passion!

• Allow yourself to reflect on your values and what matters to you.
• What issue intrigues you and moves your soul?
• Have you recently seen an issue or community addressed on the news and felt stirred to take action, but at a loss as to how to help? The great news is that YOU CAN!

Go beyond the hashtag or segment and seek out knowledge.

• #Blacklivesmatter encourages us to dismantle systemic racism not just through protest, but through mindful consumption of black art and stories, and then promoting others to experience it as well. This is also true of movements like #pride, #disvibility, of course #metoo.
• Listen to music, watch movies, and read written works featuring members of this community. Whenever possible, seek out works created by members for a more authentic telling of the story (for example, opt to watch Pose or Harriet rather than The Help or Pocahontas).
• Podcasts can help you learn more about these perspectives, stories, and needs.
• Be willing to reach out to members to listen to their stories and to understand the ways you can most effectively implement the desired changes.
• Share these stories, methods to effect changes, and any resources you have picked up along the way, with your friends, family, and social networks. Each small step can add up to progress forward.

Support is multi-faceted, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach.

• At our core, humans desire to feel included and valued by those we love and society.
• This can be amplified for individuals with a history of trauma, since we may be in even greater need of external sources of empathy to help stimulate loving kindness and grace within ourselves.
• The best way to achieve inclusion is to shine light on indifference and cultivate love, care, and empathy.

We hope that these exercises help you better relate to the individuals who comprise your support systems and inspire you to be more loving and mindful of how you support others.

Thank you for being an integral member of this uplifting community.

Whether you are a survivor or supporter, I would love to hear if this post is helpful and what you liked specifically. At Survivors to Thrivers, we are here to support and encourage you!

Here’s to Thriving, Tambry