Navigating Family Dynamics
How does one navigate all the invitations of November?
- The invitation to metaphorically release as we see the trees release their leaves.
- The actual invitations which come with many holiday gatherings.
This month’s blog explores healthy ways to move through the season.
The Invitations
Cooler weather has us indoors perhaps confronting our feelings more. Are you ready to use the invitation to navigate this season in a different, possibly more intentional way?
We are often in closer proximity to our families, which is often a trigger for survivors of sexual abuse. This provides you the opportunity to choose to respond and not react to these situations. Issues can be intense and wide-ranging as family members (both alive and dead) may have been a perpetrator, an enabler, a doubter or a challenger to one’s sense of self.
The Interpersonal Dynamics
For Survivors, family gatherings can bring a myriad of emotions and interpersonal dynamics.
- Survivors can feel ostracized after they share their story with their family.
- If your abuser is a member of the family or a close friend, this could be a factor in your family drama.
- People aren’t comfortable with how to navigate the aftereffects of abuse. The most typical response is denial which cuts deeply.
If your family can accept the trauma that happened, they may mask their pain and shame by trying to maintain a pleasant façade.
- This could mean members want you to “make nice” with someone who hurt you or even exclude you from certain events.
- Although you are justified in worrying that you might not be invited to all events, your family could be concerned about how to balance seeing you and seeing your abuser (or enabler).
- What you see as isolating could be your loved ones trying to finally protect you from further pain as well as preventing a trigger for themselves.
I am not saying any of this is “ok,” but by naming possible dynamics, I hope to help you feel less alone which so often happens to survivors.
Try to have a conversation
Are you able to have a conversation with your family about your trauma to begin to process the situation together?
- Your family might be so uncomfortable that they could be speaking in terms that you perceive as blaming or shaming your truth. See if you can explore this.
- Try to read between the lines to understand how they are processing and what pain they might be experiencing themselves. Share what you are hearing to ensure accurate understanding.
- Ask what they are hearing from you. Often, when we are hurt or are under immense stress, we fail to communicate our thoughts effectively. What you are hearing as blame, could be your family’s shame in not being able to protect you or walk alongside you in the darkness.
What you hear as silence may just be their own woundedness.
Healing the Hurts
To heal hurts within a family, you need to be responsible for your perspectives and your actions.
- Surrender the desire to manipulate anyone else’s thoughts or behaviors. It is impossible to change anyone without them wanting to alter the situation.
- Instead, be the change that you want to see in your family dynamics.
- Begin by making sure your personal needs are met and you feel healthy. Yes, that means articulating what you need (which is a lifelong journey for me!).
Issues and hurts took years to build. Therefore, you can’t expect things to heal and more beneficial patterns to emerge immediately. However, where there is sincere love, there is hope.
- Truly supportive relationships take work by both parties. If it matters to you both, then both must work to fix the disconnects.
- Be honest with yourself to understand the value of this person or people, in your life. If they are of little value or not willing to help you be the best version of yourself, then limit contact with them as much as possible.
- Your biggest duty is to love and honor yourself. This means establishing and maintaining boundaries and time every day for both reflection and self-care.
Our November 15th blog will provide some specific ways to reconnect with family members as well as manage your emotions. To begin to prepare for this season consider these questions:
- Could this season offer you a special gift to address unresolved issues with a family member who has died?
- Could this season provide you an opportunity to engage your family members in a different way?
- Are you good with self-care during these times of reconnecting with family? Do you have strategies to address the stress that may come with the gatherings?
- The Autumn Equinox is considered a time of exhalation, winding down, and letting go. This can mean considering what no longer serves you, gets in your way and perhaps needs to wither. What do you want to proactively claim and intentionally release?
At Survivors to Thrivers, we are here to encourage your spirit to release the pain and anger that you have been holding so that you can experience the hope and future you deserve.
Please let us know other ways that we can support you because you are the reason we exist.
We offer weekly encouragement through our Instagram (survivorstothrivers) and Facebook (survivorstothriversofficial) posts.
Talk To Tambry
I am glad you have taken the time to engage with this blog. Sometimes it is helpful to process new insights that emerge. If you would appreciate brief time with a someone who understands, our Talk to Tambry offering is for you. For 30 minutes, you can receive support from Tambry who is a certified life coach, spiritual director and a survivor who has been on the journey as well. This is offered at a reduced rate of $50.
