Self-Care:

With all interactions, you must first make sure your personal needs are being met.  A start is to ask yourself if the event will be healthy for you.

If you face issues with family members, take time to check in with yourself and make a plan. 

• Step away from obligations to give yourself space alone to better understand your perceptions and needs prior to any gathering.
• Identify triggers you experience during interactions and how you contribute to toxic patterns.
• Create game plans for tackling narcissists, avoiders, enablers, and people who you find yourself engaging in a competition. For example, prepare canned answers for questions that typically are difficult for you to answer.
• Finally, be willing to explore if going to a family event is in your best interest. If you feel like it might be unhealthy for you, then be willing to decline the invitation.
• During a family gathering it is helpful to include allies in your plan. Together establish healthy boundaries for dynamics and conversations.
• Devise an exit strategy if you need to leave a discussion or even the gathering.

Identify your ideal scenario.

Although society is filled with images of holidays being celebrated by large happy families, there are alternatives that might be healthier for you.

• Ask the question aloud “What is my ideal Thanksgiving, or other holiday event?”
• Allow the answer to come to you.
• Then begin to take steps to facilitate making this ideal this year’s reality.
• You could decide to host a Friendsgiving filled with the family that chose each other.
• Perhaps you would like to be alone at home.
• Perhaps this is the time for you to get away and explore somewhere new.

There is no wrong answer.  Do whatever feels like it will promote the most light and joy in your soul.

Dealing with a Dead Family Member:

If you have issues with a family member who has died, consider treating this time as a special gift, an opportunity to invite them in for this overdue conversation.

This can be a difficult situation for many to traverse.  There is so much you want to say, but lack the ability to hear the words that can bring you closure.

This year try to implement the lessons of All Souls Day, Samhain, and Day of the Dead.  The deceased are not lost, but instead are on another plane of being, and can feel more alive because of our memories.

Create a space where you can release long-held feelings regarding the deceased family member.

Depending on your faith journey you may feel more compelled to either write out your feelings or hold a conversation with this individual.

Holding a Conversation

If you decide to hold a conversation, find a space where you can be alone and experience peace.

• Invite the spirit of the person to join you and say whatever needs to be said.
• Allow yourself to listen to any inner voice within you that might carry a message you need to hear.
• Talk as long or as little as you want.
• When you are ready, say your goodbye and give thanks for their willingness to listen to what you need to say in order to thrive.

Writing Your Feelings

If you write your feelings, begin by grabbing the following: a pad of paper, a pencil (to better edit your thoughts), a deep bowl, and a match or lighter.

• When you feel ready to begin to write, try to embrace a stream-of-consciousness style. Your soul knows what it needs to say and ultimately expel.
• Go as deep and as long as you want, but keep in mind the goal is to release the pain once and for all.
• If things feel insurmountable, try to cast off a realistic layer of your trauma.
• When you feel at peace with what you wrote, place the pages in the bowl.
• As you ignite the match or lighter, say a brief prayer so both of your souls can heal and discover peace.
• Finally, light the paper on fire. Allow the flames to carry away your burden and let yourself feel buoyed as the words convert to the energy released to the universe and only ash remains.
• When all the embers are out, take the ashes outside to spread or bury them wherever you see fit.
• Afterward, express gratitude to yourself, and whomever you might pray to, for allowing yourself to finally say what you needed to say to this individual and for the gifts of healing and empowerment.
• Release any residual tension you might be feeling before you leave this space and return to your day.

Create Space for Your Family Member

Another way to find healing regarding a family member you wish were present, is to consider creating space for them at your next meal.  This is a simple but profound exercise.

• Anytime you want to share time with this spirit, leave an empty chair and set a place for them.
• Invite them to join you and share stories of both memories and what has occurred since they have been gone.
• You may or may not choose to add a bit of each food served to their plate. If you choose to do so, feel free to box it and give it to a neighbor who might be alone for the holiday.